The Otherwise Ordinary Life of Matthew Williams
by candy4yourEYEZ
Summary: Matthew is definitely not P. Diddy. That still doesn't explain the albino sleeping in his shower. PruCan, MatthewxGilbert college AU
1. Wake Up In The Morning

The Otherwise Ordinary Life of Matthew Williams

Every morning, I check the bathtub/shower to see if there's someone in there before I shower. Then I started wondering what would happen if someone was actually in there…. And that somehow morphed into this PruCan TikTok mashup… Enjoy!

* * *

_Matthew Williams was not feeling like P Diddy. In fact, he was pretty sure that what he was feeling was something P Diddy had never felt. Because P Diddy didn't have to stay up until 4 am writing a paper, then wake up at 6._

_ Stupid fucking P Diddy._

_ Matthew greeted the morning with a migraine, the ever-present bags under his eyes, and a desperate need for caffeine, something sweet, and a long hot shower. Which would be difficult to accomplish, seeing as-_

"WHY THE FUCK IS THERE SOMEBODY IN MY SHOWER!" Matthew screamed, jumping backwards and landing on his butt, heart in full panic attack mode. Which was understandable, seeing as he had moved the curtain to his shower/bath, only to find some random kid asleep there.

Oh, that kid had no idea what he'd gotten himself into.

Matthew poked him, hard, in the arm, and then in the stomach when he didn't respond. "Hey! Whoever the hell you are, get the fuck out of my dorm!"

The- student, presumably- in the bathtub cracked one red eye open, staring at Matthew for a brief second before saying:

"You're cute." And promptly falling back asleep. Matthew leaned over, grumbling, and heaved the albino out of his tub, used to doing the same thing to his brother when Alfred fell asleep in the bath (really, how were they related again?). He carried the guy out, dumping him on the vacated bunk. His roommate/ brother, Alfred, had moved in with his best friend into some non-dorm apartment a few weeks ago, giving Matt a whole dorm room to himself. Not that Matthew was complaining, it's just that it got a little lonely…

"Now, stay." Matthew ordered the silver… silverette? Is that what you called albinos? "Whatever," Matt mumbled, well aware that he talked to himself more than was healthy. "I am going to take my shower, and you are going to leave my room, and find somewhere else to pass out. Lord knows how you managed to get in here in the first place…" Finished with his lecture to the non-responding invader, Matthew grabbed jeans and a t-shirt, and headed for his nice, hot shower.

Behind him, the albino opened one eye and smirked. Yes, he'd definitely picked the right room to break into.

* * *

Authoress' Random Ramble

Well? Whaddya think of my latest fic? I'm pretty sure this'll be updated on Tuesdays. Or irregularly. Or maybe on irregular Tuesdays.

If you have any suggestions of side pairings, drop me a review! First come, first served, so don't be disappointed if it ends up being FrUk instead of UsUk or something!

Less than three. less than three


	2. I Wanna Be Out The Door

While Matthew was showering, Gilbert was busy going through Matt's phone. "Yes. I knew it. This kid is_ so _related to Francis." The albino smirked, listening to the blonde muttering about assholes that couldn't get drunk on their own time and had the nerve to break into dorms to bug the hardworking students that actually got into college by studying. Man, did this kid have some pent up anger issues!

Gilbert finished mentally mapping out his awesome plan, and sat on the bed to wait for it to begin.

Oh, were the next few weeks going to be fun.

* * *

Matthew walked out of his shower, shaking his damp hair in a vain attempt to get it to dry. Only to see someone he thought he'd kicked out sitting on his bed.

"… E-Excuse me?" Now that he was a little more awake, his predominately shy nature was beginning to assert itself. The only times Matthew actually whooped ass (verbally and non verbally) were either early in the morning, or on the hockey rink. Seeing as the sun had finally risen (stupid damn sun, too fucking bright), and Matt's room wasn't air conditioned and didn't have ice for a floor (although that would be pretty fucking cool), Gilbert narrowly escaped death by Canadian. "Why are you still in my room?"

Gilbert didn't move.

"D-don't you –have your own dorm?" Matt was getting a bit nervous; the man had red eyes, for fuck's sake! "Because I'm pretty sure that… this isn't… it…" He slowly petered off at the end, unnerved by Gilbert's stare.

"I'm awesome," Gilbert stood up and held out a hand for Matthew to shake.

"Y-yeah, sure, but… don't you have your own room?" Matt squeaked a bit when Gilbert leaned in, touching noses.

"I share your room." He grinned, showing teeth, and Matthew frowned in confusion.

"I don't have a roomie. Alfred, that fucktard- excuse me, Alfred, _my brother_, moved in with his friend Arthur, so I'm alone." Matthew moved away from the albino, and started packing up his stuff for class. "Shit, shit, even more shit, big paper that's due today," he didn't even notice he was muttering to himself, and seemed to have forgotten all about his strange visitor (maybe with Alfred (Popular personified) as a brother, he had just gotten used to random people showing up. Or maybe that one time Alfred put him in a laundry basket and sent him flying down the huge staircase in their old house had messed with his short term memory…).

"You can't forget me! I'm too awesome!" Gilbert hugged Matthew from behind and didn't let go, noticing with interest that even the back of his neck turned bright red.

"Who are you?" Matthew tried to stay as still as possible to avoid contact with whoever the hell it was that was currently hugging him. What if the albino had moronitis idioticus, and it was contagious?

"That's not very nice. Way to forget an awesome part of your own brain, Matt." Gilbert internally fist pumped; his plan was going awesome!

"What do you mean?" Matthew sounded really panicked now (child care services probably should have done a check on what his childhood was like if being assaulted by a hallucination didn't phase him at all).

"Just what I said! I'm an awesome hallucination! Just part of your un-awesome brain. How else would I know your name?" Sensing that Matt was still uconvinced, Gilbert tossed in his trump card. "Call Francis, I bet he won't be able to see me."

"… Fine. But stop hugging me first."

* * *

Authoress' Random Ramble

O.O Thank you ALL SO MUCH. I got so many favs, alerts, and reviews that I thought the site had messed up and sent the emails to the wrong person!

Well, side pairings are up:

GiriPan

SpaMno

DenNor

SuFin

And… Well, there is an issue. 10 people want UsUk, 4 want FrUk, and 1 wants AmeRus.

Therefore, the whole **Russia/**_**Alfred**__/__Arthur_/Francis thingy will be an ongoing love issue in the story, and I will resolve who ends up with whom near the end.

Reviews help sway my opinion *wink wink* But really, I probably will figure out which one fits the story better, and go with that.

Less than three. Less than three.


	3. But Not Hit This City

Matthew didn't know why he was listening to an albino that may or may not be a hallucination. But he called Francis anyway, and told him to get his French ass over to dorm room 69 (yes, an unfortunate room). Although he had some reservations about his cousin- the last time they had seen each other outside of school hours, Francis had gotten him drunk and into a French maid outfit (the pictures were still on Fancebook)- he hoped Francis would be able to reassure him that 'Awesome' wasn't a by product of possibly laced marijuana. Matt's new, Cuban, dealer was a bit sketchy, even for someone of his profession.

… And with all that crazy, Matt had forgotten to eat breakfast.

Which was why, after imploring Francis to hurry, Matt was remedying that situation.

"Well? Don't I get any?" 'Awesome' said, motioning to the s'mores Pop Tart Matt was microwaving. "And aren't they supposed to go in the toaster? Hence 'pop' tarts, not 'ding' tarts?"

Matt was debating whether or not possible hallucinations could be stabbed with a kitchen knife when he heard knocking on his door, and smelled the unmistakable scent of –

"Francis! For the love of all things holy, why aren't you wearing a shirt?" Matthew whisper- screamed after opening the door so Francis wouldn't burst through it and damage the hinges again.

"Well, that is an interesting story, _ma chere_-" Francis began, only to be interrupted by an irate Canuck who had had quite enough, between his normal stress of college, his 'hallicination,' and now a perverted French relative to deal with.

"Stop referring to me in the feminine form!" Matthew ran back to the kitchen area when he heard the microwave beep, and grabbed the Pop Tart, juggling the hot pastry type food in his hands as he ran a comb through his rapidly drying hair.

"_Je suis désole, cher_. Well, as I was so eloquently saying, I am going topless to give the world a view of my _trés beau_ torso-" Francis was interrupted yet again.

"You lost a bet with Arthur again, didn't you." Matthew glared at Francis, wishing he hadn't asked the question in the first place.

"Well, _oui_, that is part of the reason, but-" Francis quickly changed topics after seeing the murderous look on Matt's face. "Ah. Yes. Why did you originally invite me to your room again?"

"Him." Matthew pointed to 'Awesome,' who was rummaging through his dwindling supply of Pop Tarts. "He says his name is Awesome, and he showed up here this morning. I don't know if my stash was laced with something, or I'm going crazy, or this is all some huge prank my ass wipe of a brother planned out. And I want answers."

Francis could tell that Matthew was unusually aggravated; normally it took Alfred at least two hours to get his brother into a state of 'if you don't stop pissing me off, I am going to rip you limb from limb.' But he had to play along for Gilbert's sake, so he shrugged and said:

"Who? I see nobody, _chere_!" And walked out, leaving Matthew gesticulating wildly, with Gilbert laughing hysterically in the background.

* * *

Authoress' Random Ramble

Sorry for the short length; I wrote this today in Journalism and I don't have time to make it longer (I don't even have time to type this up; I'm gonna end up staying up late to do hw again.)

Thanks to everyone for all the reviews/alerts/favs I've gotten!

Less than three. Less than three.


	4. Don't Know What I Brushed My Teeth With

"He sees you when you're sleeping

He knows when you're awake

His name is Francis Bonnefoy-

Be ready to get **raped**!"

"Shut up!" Matthew half-shrieked, walking down the hallways with 'Awesome' following him and singing a song to the tune of Jingle Bells- that was definitely NOT the Christmas classic. And why the hell did he roll the 'r' in 'raped?'

"Swinging balls, Arthur brawls

Alfred fucks his hand

I'm more awesome than anyone

But I really want caffeine!" Gilbert was smirking ear to ear; this was going to be one for the record books. Francis and Antonio had bet that he couldn't drive someone completely insane. Insane as in turn a reasonable human being into a gibbering, twitching person that made you want to laugh in surprised horror and at the same time think: There, but for the grace of God- and my pills- go I. Meh. If the kid couldn't stand his Awesomeness, it was his own fault. For not being Awesome-tolerant enough. Maybe being Awesome intolerant was, like, a genetic disorder. That would explain why this kid's brother was an asshole that didn't respect Gilbert either. Hm… Gilbert would have to steal some syringes from the nurse and some other crap from the Science wing to test this hypothesis…

"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?" Matthew screamed, forgetting that he was standing outside the dorm building- so every single person with a window open in the vicinity and every college kid crossing the campus with a toga after last night's frat party could hear him. And did.

Matt's face turned crimson as said toga wearing frat boy gave him a thumbs up and yelled back: "You tell those voices, kid! Just make sure you don't OD!"

"Fuck, fuck fuckity fuck fuck-" Matt started swearing under his breath, scowling in a way that put even Lovino to shame. And shit, that kid could scowl- it was like he had absorbed all the negative vibes from every mass murderer and psychotic dictator of any country in history and concentrated it into one palpable glare. Which was pretty damn scary; as that one Raivis kid's soiled pants proved. Poor kid, still got teased about shitting himself like that…

"Lady GaGa," 'Awesome' slung an arm around Matt's shoulders. "If I had to choose one person to fuck, it would be Lady GaGa. Man, that would be some kinky sex! Like, did you see her video for Bad Romance? She set the fucking bed on fire, bitch! That girl knows where it's at."

"Why can no one else see you?" Matt half whimpered, already feeling the strain of 'Awesome' tearing at his frazzled nerves. He already had anxiety issues and frequent mood swings, a crazy albino hallucination was the last person he needed to deal with.

"Because I'm too awesome. Derp." Gilbert leaned closer and licked Matt's ear, reveling in the squeak and jump he got in response. "I'm a hallucination, dumbass, you're the only one that sees me! And if calling me 'Awesome' is too hard on your puny self confidence- seriously, I think the only thing smaller than your self confidence is Ivan's dick- I mean, he has to be overcompensating for something, so it makes sense! Like, if I had a wang that small- which I don't, because I'm just fucking awesome, hence my awesome five meters- yes, you can measure if you want- I'd totally go all batshit like him so no one would even want to see how big I was. And I'm pretty fucking _big._"

Gilbert just grinned as Matthew shuddered and started mumbling to himself. Man, was this gonna be easy! He'd invoked the college prank creed- whoever spoils it gets locked in a room with the prank puller and a paintball gun with extra ammo. (And after the first time, it had gotten around that Gilbert knew exactly where to shoot to induce the maximum amount of pain. Anyone that complained was in for an even worse future. That may or may not involve Francis climbing into their dorm room at 2 am wearing nothing but cat ears and a rose) Everyone knew that something was up with Gilbert and that they shouldn't talk to him- everyone except the victim himself, Matt.

As the blonde's mumbles turned to medium volume rants, Gilbert hoped that the clinically insane section of the closest hospital was comfortable. It looked like the kid would be spending a _loooooong_ time there.

"I knew it, I think Arthur's rubbed off on me, next thing I'll be seeing unicorns and fairies and shit all over the place- oh God, what if I start fantasizing about burgers like Al? Did Francis put something in my food? Maybe I really am going insane; I hope they let me watch hockey in the hospital- would I even go to the hospital? They'd probably just send me straight to a crazy person house. I hope we get visiting hours- what if they don't serve pancakes there? HOW WILL I LIVE?" Matthew, not noticing where he was going, walked into a pole and fell flat on the ground.

"… Kid, you'd make a terrible stripper." Gilbert's comment was totally ignored.

"Do you think they give people in mental institutions special requests, like the Make A Wish foundation? Because then I could go there, and request to see Lady GaGa, and you could go be her hallucination. That sounds like a good plan."

A. Very. Long. Time.

"Rah, rah, ah ah ah. Roma, roma-ma. Gaga, ooh lala- want your bad romance!"

"… Matt? Why are you singing?"

* * *

Authoress' Random Ramble

RANDOM MYSTERY CHARACTER YAY

Yes, I know it's late ;A; BUT IT'S LONGER THAN THE PAST FEW CHAPTERS, SO I'M FORGIVEN, RIGHT? PLEASE?

*shameless self promotion * If you like PruCan and semi-crack- or if you just like semi-crack in general, check out some of my other stories. Especially 'Pickles.' If that doesn't make you laugh, there must be something wrong with you.

Less than three. Less than three.


	5. I Hope I Come Back After Tonight

Matthew and Gilbert both looked up at the confused blonde.

"… Lars?" Matt asked, blinking a few times. "I thought Tuesdays were your designated day for getting stoned off your ass with that new Cuban kid?"

"Well," Lars held out a hand and helped Matt off the ground, "they were. Then I heard that there was going to be a nude model in art today, so I decided to put off getting stoned until tonight and go ogle some hot ass. You in?"

"I signed up for the class, right?" Matthew half-heartedly brushed the grass and other trash off his pants and started walking with Lars- after sending a glare at 'Awesome' to not make him look insane in front of his friend. "Also, is it physically possible to have a five meter penis?"

"Well, mine is 23 inches," Lars said with a straight face, "so I suppose anything is possible."

"You're lying." Matthew rebuked instantly, elbowing Lars in the side. "I saw you when you were dancing at Francis' nude party a few weeks ago, and that was definitely not 23 inches."

"… You were at the nude party?" Lars stared at the Canadian in astonishment. He knew the kid was related to Francis, and therefore probably had odd sexual tendencies, but still… Matt didn't really fit the profile of someone who'd go to a nude party, especially one of Francis'.

"I slept off a hangover at his place the day before," Matthew explained, running a hand through his hair and picking up the pace so they'd get to class on time. "I woke up, and got out of that freak zone as fast as humanly possible."

"But not before taking a nice long look at some ass you'd want to tap, right?" Gilbert interjected, smirking when Matt turned bright red.

"Shut up!" Matt hissed, trying to be quiet enough that Lars wouldn't hear, but loud enough to get 'Awesome' to shut his possibly hallucinogenic mouth.

"Sorry, I didn't know I was being that annoying," Lars held up his hands in a gesture of mock surrender.

"No, not you." Matthew muttered, giving Gil a Glare Of Death™. "I was just… talking to my inner France."

"If you say so." Lars stifled a laugh and the blondes walked to Art in a companionable silence (with a certain albino stalking them the entire time, of course).

* * *

However much the trio had thought they were accustomed to the oddness of their art class, it was nothing compared to nude model day.

Half the students skipped class most of the time and only showed up to turn in assignments or take exams, but word had gotten around about the plan for the day, so the entire class was there for the first time since the first day of school.

"Calm down, everyone!" The teacher, Ms. Ries shouted, her frizzy hair bouncing as she tried to find seats for all the people.

Matthew, Lars, and Gilbert managed to shove their way through the crowd to get seats near the model- more due to Lars' interest than Matt's.

"JUST FIND A DAMN SEAT," Ms. Ries screamed, losing her patience with the crowd of horny teenagers. The remainder of students who hadn't had a seat found one quickly, and the teacher glared at the rowdy class. "I hope that most of you actually brought your artistic materials, and didn't come for the voyeuristic pleasure of seeing our nude model. Instead of me modeling, as I have in the past-" at that, most of the boys pantomimed vomiting at seeing their middle-aged teacher nude. "We have had a student, from this school, no less, volunteer to model for us! I would like to ask everyone to give a grateful round of applause to Miss Sey!"

At that, one of the biggest whores in the school stepped out from behind a curtain that had been paced next to the teacher's desk. Almost no one could remember her actual name, so they called her Sey, as a nickname from her home country (which she was so proud of bragging of), Seychelles.

"Hey, shawtie," Lars yelled, much to Matthew's mortification, "drinks on me if you go to Teddy's tonight like that!" His suggestion was cheered on by most of the class, as Teddy's Bar was a frequent hangout for the college students.

"That was inappropriate!" Ms. Ries snapped at Lars, checking her computer to get his name. "Lars, I expect to see you after class."

"If you don't mind, I'd much rather be seeing Sey after class, if you know what I mean," Lars winked at the teacher, and she huffed and sat back down.

"Well, I take no responsibility for how the rest of the class goes," she sniffed. "Sey, pose for the students. Students, draw. I'll be playing minesweeper."

"Lars, did you really have to say that?" Matthew hissed at the unperturbed Dutch boy, while pretending to sketch in his notebook.

"It was a good opportunity," Lars replied, unashamedly drawing a life-size replication of Sey's chest in his barely used sketchbook. "I never pass up an opportunity for anything- unless it's that fake butter substitute that they sell at movie theaters. That shit is so bad for you, man."

"I thought it was pretty awesome," Gilbert whispered in Matthew's ear, earning a flinch and a streak of pencil across the page.

"Damn it, will you shut the hell up!" The Canadian replied, trying to keep his voice to a minimum.

"Fine, be un-awesome like that," Gilbert flicked the side of Matt's head, and Matt was about to retaliate when he heard a shriek from the front of the room.

"Oh my gawd!" Sey squealed, looking up from her phone and directly at Matthew, who was steadily getting redder and redder. "Lady GaGa is dating Matthew Williams!"

"No way, man!" Matthew heard that one Danish kid say from the back of the room.

"You stole my bitch!" Gilbert screamed in Matt's ear, enjoying the way the Canadian's eye was twitching.

"I AM NOT DATING LADY GAGA," Matthew announced at the top of his voice to the class. "THIS IS A LIE. THAT BITCH SET ME UP," he pointed at Sey, and proceeded to run out of the room, clutching his sketchbook to his chest.

The room full of 'students' stared after the irate blonde, not processing the fact that a boy -a presumably straight one, that is- willingly ran out of a room with a naked, semi-attractive woman in it before the class was over.

Then again, if he was that eager to leave, how straight could he be?

Gilbert rubbed his hands together, a giant smirk growing on his face, and followed Matthew out- but not before tipping a salute to Sey and smacking her butt.

* * *

Authoress' Random Ramble

I would've had this up yesterday like I promised, but there was a giant storm (lightning and thunder and almost a tornado) and our power was out! There was even a tree in our front yard that got hit by lightning!

So, anyways, tune in next week for Gil's plan to continue, and for Arthur and Alfred to finally make their appearance!

Less than three, less than three


End file.
